nothing-ness

I don't know what to write about. Being at home is nice and all, and for sure i'm not ready to go back to school, can't imagine myself having a job either.

My friends all have jobs already. Good jobs actually. One is working for a stock company, his family owns it. One is working in marketing department for Pepsi, her salary is the highest among all of us: $800/month. Another one is working for a television company, she collects and writes the news and reads them too so she'll be on tv soon, her salary is around $500/month. Not good to live in the states but for vietnam, that kind of salary might be considered high. What about me? I really have no idea what i would be doing after graduation. No idea. So far i have a job and got paid $200/month.

Maybe it's time to come up with a plan? I want to travel, to take a few months off before starting a job. That plan won't actually work because 1. money, and 2. i can't return to the US after graduation if i don't have a job offer. So if i have a job offer by May, they wouldn't want to wait for me for a few months before i can start working right? There we go, i won't be able to travel if I get a job.

Now. If I don't get a job that would be so sad. I want to work for a few years and get my NCIDQ, then probably go to grad school in architecture. Mom freaked out when i told her it would take 3 years and a half. She wants me to go home and get married. To whom? I can totally see myself not getting married till later, when everybody has children and when mom actually worries. Funny thou. It's not 20 years ago anymore, the idea of getting married before 27 to me is totally weird. I want my career and want to have fun first. But sadly, as realized, people here still get hitched too soon, a lot of them do so because "the doctor said so" (meaning pregnant). Oh and some people i know get married because the fortune teller said so "if you don't do it this year, you'll have to wait 3 years". I would totally wait if i have only dated the guy for less than 2 years. And why would i listen to the stupid fortune teller anyway, full of crap.

So I know how to hold a baby now. He actually smiles at me when i made funny face to him. He doesn't cry when i hold him anymore, that's a good thing right?

It's coming closer...

Around this time a year ago, sitting in a dark room with a glow of pink coming from the window, I bursted to tears feeling completely empty and lonely. It was the first day back in the States, it was only 24 hours after saying goodbye to Ha Noi. The song was playing in my ipod, that one song I try not to think about every time i leave. That one beautiful but very sad song about my dear Ha Noi, my dear city that I can never get enough of.

My friend translated the song into english, made it a poem, a rather incomplete one. I've listened to it countless time, tried to imagine myself at home sitting at some coffee place.

"Tomorrow, I'll be leaving Hanoi
Goodbye to each familiar tree and conner,
To each trilling sound of pagodas' afternoon bell
And sparkling lights on the Sword Lake...

My dear Hanoi, how each wind excites my heart
A whispering wave on the West Lake's surface,
In a peaceful afternoon, I listen to the wind singing...

It's time for a farewell, my dear Hanoi,
How touchingly the summer's rain comes.
Hanoi dear, what else still bothers you?
Memory of you I will never forget...

Wishing one day I could come back,
Walking by your side on Hanoi's streets,
I would still have you like days in the past.
Now we're parted, but will meet again,
My dear Hanoi..."
_NXH_

I have not heard afternoon bell from pagodas for a long time. I have not stopped just to look at West Lake, I have not stopped just to look at Sword Lake. Leisure is how Hanoians lived, they drank coffee and let the day went by slowly into imagination, and i have not done that in a while. I no longer visit 13 Dinh, no longer feel the urge to sit on the tiny balcony over looking Sword Lake. 13 Dinh only exists in my memory now, once my hide away place, one contains all my pain and secrets, a place where we talked by eye contacts and listened to death metal.

Oh, my dear Hanoi streets.
I still remember you with the perfume of orchid.
I still remember you with the perfume of milk flower.
The quiet street whispers with rain.
A girl waits, her long hair wet, covering her shoulders.
I still have you, Hanoi, and the memory of the lonely tree in winter.
I still have you, the lonely street corner in winter.
The lonely cresent moon in winter.
That winter, in a collasped house, sounds of a piano echoed.
The afternoon prayer is over, but why still echoes the bell?
I still have you, ever green, though time has gone by.
In an afternoon when the girl waits, her hair radiant.
The artist wanders on streets,
suddenly unable to remember even a street name.
I still have you, the old streets covered by moss
An uneven tile roofs fill my heart with memories.
West Lake in the afternoon echoed with waves.
Twilight came unexpectedly.
Oh, my dear Hanoi streets.
_Translated by David Lamb_

Photo day 2

The next day we met up at "Flag pole" Highland coffee (well, don't know the real english name of that thing). The coffee place sat in the court yard of some war museum next to a huge brick flag pole that looks like a light house and you can go up to the top. Afterward, we went across the street to Lenin park where there's a big statue of Lenin standing proudly. Well... we just hung out there, tried to ride Mr.Tru*'s crappy dirty bike.


Hang and I on my bike (motor scooter). We hate wearing helmet.


This is our table at the coffee place. My most favorite thing to do is to explore hidden or unique coffee shop.


This is a bigger view of the place. Hanoi is so small and everybody seems to know each other. I met that pink shirt guy the night before when he looked at me and said "you went to Giang Vo junior high". Apparently he did too but I don't remember him at all. The brown shirt guy i met right there for the first time. He looked at me and said "Are you Hin?" I was like, oh my god how did you know my name. He said "you and Xuan Hai used to hang out a lot a few years ago, right? I went to high school with him." ...... Wow! Hold on a minute, i've never seen you before, and Hai has never mentioned you before. Turns out, that guy and my friend were not close friends, but that guy hung out with my friend's ex who knows me and things got complicated.... blah blah blah. So crazy.


Bonus: A picture of my best friend on my photo day 3, i was my model for the shooting session.

Picture time

Me and my grandma and my cousin at another cousin's wedding.


We went to Ba Vi (my hometown too) to visit an orphanage. I spent a lot of time in the infant building because I'm obsessed with babies (just looking at them). This baby girl is Chieu Xuan, she's two and she was really sweet.


At Loo Christmas night with my brother. I had an asthma attack there because the kids lighted up fire strings (whatever) at the same time, i inhaled that and my air way just closed up so fast. I didn't have my inhaler with me so i was coughing and trying to breath, good thing it didn't completely close up.


We spent 2 afternoons taking pictures, it was so much fun. On the first day, we started out at the Hanoi Opera House, one of the most beautiful building in Hanoi, one of the most beautiful place to hang out too. This picture is taken in the court yard of the opera house, where there's a famous Highland coffee and the fancy Nineteen 11 restaurant.


Another view of the court yard

Vietnamese wedding

I went to my cousin's wedding today, it was a happy day for the couple but at the same time exhausting for everybody including themselves, parents and guests.
Vietnamese weddings are complicated and they get bigger and bigger over the years. Mom said her wedding was simple, they only served tea and sweets, and there was another small celebration with food for family members. I remember seeing pictures of her wedding, she dressed in a traditional ao dai, there were two rolls of tables in a court yard... It looked like a happy stress-free day.
That was 23 years ago. Nowadays, weddings are big and wasteful. Weddings are for parents instead of the groom and the bride, because the majority of guests are parents' friends. Everybody gets to eat, to seat in a big hall, there's a professional speaker and walking down the aisle and popping the champagne bottle. The number of guests can easily be 600 or more.
Let's do some math on my cousin's wedding: they actually have 2 weddings. Today was the first one with only the bride's side, which means the bride's parents' friends and family. There were 80 tables, 6 each, that made 480 people. Not all 80 tables were full, there were about 10 empty ones which means the food for those tables will not be eaten. The groom's side will have more people, which means another 80 tables? that makes 160 tables and 960 guests. Holy crap!
The happy couple had to stand by the door greeting guests coming in. Then they walked down the aisle together (technically entered the room and walked to the stage together). Then the bride's father made a speech, sometimes all parents get to talk. Then they gave each other rings, then poured champagne, then cut the cake (that no one gets to drink or eat). After all that, the couple had to go to each table to thank people for coming, to be congratulated and toasted. When they're done making a round, they had to stand by the door as people were leaving.
As for the food, it's always the same for every weddings: green beans sticky rice, some soup, chicken, stir-fried vegetable, beer, soda, squid cake, shrimp, etc. The food wasn't any good, and there were a lot of left over, and once you're done eating off you go.
After the wedding, the bride goes home, exhausted that she can hardly take her dress off. The groom is being dragged somewhere else with his friends, always come back completely wasted. The wedding night is out of the question. Then 2 days later, it all happens again: another wedding for the same couple, this time it's even bigger, double the size of the first one. More money, more wasted food, and i'm sure the happy couple will never want to go through all that again.

I went home and told mom "if I ever get married, you're not inviting your friends to my wedding, if i can't have a small tiny wedding then I won't have one at all." Mom just laughed at me, she said it's a unavoidable tradition. I believe it will change eventually.

It's not the same without you

I realized that on my way to the visa office this morning, a weird feeling - somewhat lonely- fills up inside. I got out of the house at 9:15, didn't have any plan for the rest of the day. Not even breakfast with the girls, not even a cup of coffee. Everyone's busy working and i'm the only one on vacation. How sad!

I got my visa, but the interviewer caught me off guard when he asked "what's your mascot". All i can say was "Smoky!" I wasn't supposed to be nervous and I was. He declined a lot of people this morning, and i think he was being very reasonable. There were people who couldn't even speak english but wanted to go to college in the US. This one guy even had a list of questions he might be asked during the interview and an acceptant letter from West Texas A&M, and the interviewer asked him "What color is my shirt, what day is today, what month is it..." Of course he was rejected. One girl got really upset but she didn't speak any english and she picked the school because her relatives live in that city => she probably will end up at a nail shop instead of college.

I finished 2 designs for the cover of my portfolio yesterday. The 2nd one looks better, maybe the color is not quiet there yet. I tried to pick a different color but they didn't look right, didn't feel right. Red is just too girly, yellow is too bright, blue is depressing, purple is cheesy, green is the right shade and lime green is perfect.

Got my hair cut, not too short thou. I told the hairdresser to cut it whatever way he wanted, he was super excited and did a good job. The salon was super busy thou, you can't really walk around in there without getting into the way, hazard hazard.

Dear you: Hanoi is not the same without you but I can deal with it. Can't find anyone to go to Nhac Tranh with me thou, how lame. I miss our "people studying" afternoons over coffee and tea, people think i'm weird for doing that and no one would do it with me.

Traffic is terrible by the way, it's worse than last year, there's no easy way to go home without getting stuck in traffic, any time during the day. What caused all these madness? I feel like the population of Hanoi has multiplied by n+1 times. I see a lot of 17, 34, 19 license plates, and more cars. See that big red light at the theater, true they have left turn signal but at the same time, the other side get to go too so it's a bundle of people trying to get thru a knot in the middle of the intersection. Plus, people would start going when the timer hits 3 seconds or they just simply run the red light if there's no cops. And I really can't deal with driving a car here, driving a scooter is hard enough. Remember those day we strolled around slowly, just really relaxing? Yeah i can't do that anymore because i have to keep dodging people and cars. 1 day of driving can easily costs half a tank of gas because of all the traffic. What caused all these madness? Where did those people come from?

Went to see your mom the other day, I met your cousin for the first time too. She looked well. Why didn't i get to meet her before? Hanoi will never be the same. I want my 5000d bowl of pho but it costs like 20,000d now. Inflation sucks.

I have a new bed

Mom bought 2 new beds yesterday, one for me and one for her. My bed is really cute and there are matching side tables and make up table. I'm really excited about actually stay in my room but the installing people forget the foot of the bed and i still need to go get some new sheets. Anyway, when it's all done i'll upload some pictures.

So this is the brand new house we're living in. Really bad design and bad color, i asked for wood doors and the architect picked french doors but with wood replacing the glass, really really ugly shit. I have a big shower in my bathroom with the glass butting up in the middle of the window. The architect was 60 years old so the house really reflects her time and not the present, the tacky french style and tacky french paint color that you find typical in every freaking house built in the 80's and 90's. FYI, this is the vietnamese french style because no one bothers studying the real one. They just copy what they see in houses that the french built ages ago. Not to mention the rooms are built not according to furniture arrangement, so now mom has her entertainment center blocking the balcony door and no good place for a home office desk.

The only good thing about my house is that we have a lot of windows even in the bathrooms and hallways, so during the day there's no need to turn on the light. Bedrooms are huge and every room has a bathroom in it. But my room is on the 4th floor so it's like running up and down the architecture building. The living room and kitchen is a big mess right now because my grandparents have too much shit sitting around. They're getting their own house soon thou, it's being renovated right now they can put all the shit they want in there.

So far it's nice being home lol. That is because my grandma doesn't know my cellphone number. I made fun of mom the other day for being called by grandma if she's out too late at night. Mom said she would call at 9, then again at 10, then again at 11 to check on her. Mom doesn't call me anymore unless i'm out pass midnight i guess. And grandma doesn't have my number, or else she would call all day long to see if i'm coming home for lunch, dinner, if i'm on my way home, how close, when... blah blah blah.

My baby brother

I went to see my baby brother today. He's so tiny, like little tiny little. He's 1 month and 5 days old and he looks grumpy, angry little baby. Dad gave the baby to me and i was like "ehh!" Awkward!! I am so freaking afraid of holding a baby. One time i was trying to hold a puppy and i hurt him, and people were like "hold him like you're holding a baby". What? I dont know how to hold a baby. I can't even hold a puppy, don't give me that baby.
So i didn't hold him, that's a good thing. Dad said he rarely cries, he just eats and sleeps (and poops?). I'm just gonna sit and watch him and maybe hold his hand, that's it, no more. I bought him this little Tennessee baby bottle, show some school spirit here lol. Really hope he'll get to use it. My cousin is about to give birth to her 3th child, omg baby everywhere.

I'm reading The Fountainhead and really can not put the book down. I have this really weird feeling reading this book, a very different feeling as if I'm physically there watching everything. I read every word and understand everything, it's magical haha. No, but really it's very different, it makes me nodding along, marking stuff here and there, it's just awesome. I wonder if Dwight Schrute was an architect what would he be? The modernist? No, he would probably be the Renaissance one, or the Gothic. But really, Roark reminds me of Dwight, very rigid, very unfriendly, very architectural (if that even make sense). I can't decide if I like Roark at this point, i have to keep reading and see.

On my way home for Xmas

I'm home again for Xmas. The trip was 28 hours total and i was completely exhausted. I guess just being annoyed and unhappy for 14 hours really wore me out, i was falling asleep in Narita waiting for my next flight.
So the flight from Dallas to Narita was terrible. You know there are days when you just want to be alone, not talking to anybody, just want to read or do some thinking. Yeah, that's what i usually do on the plane, that precious 14 hours to think (usually about crap haha i am not a thinker), to read and watch movies, and sleep and not have to talk. But I sat next to this crazy korean woman and she wouldn't stop talking.

"Fountainhead? It's a good book. I don't have time to read. I go to Harvard."
"Do you play sudoku? What level do you play? Oh good i only play hard so you can have all my medium ones."
And there's a voice in my head saying "tell her to shut the fuck up"
"Oh oh Elf, you should watch Elf. Have you ever seen it it's really funny."
"Hey you should watch this movie it's very funny, it's The Women." Excuse me i'm in the middle of watching something else.
"You see that blue area over there, that's a lake" _ I guess i'm not smart enough to tell that it was a fucking lake.

She wouldn't stop interrupting me while i was watching movies just to tell me "this is very funny you should watch this next." Over and over. And over and over.

Narita was crowded as usual. I would normally go into those tiny store with only 2 feet between aisles, but i was in a pissy mood so... The flight from Narita home was nice, japan airline plane was super clean and the food was good, i slept like a baby and it was so hard to wake up (and the japanese guy sitting next to me doesn't talk).

Anyway, that's how my flights were and that picture of narita airport is from google.

Sep 15

Sáng nay Knoxville rùng mình trở lạnh. Chưa thấy lá vàng, chưa thấy nắng hanh, nhưng đã thấy phải khoác thêm áo ấm và hít căng lồng ngực vị gió nồng nồng ẩm ướt. Kính xe mờ vì hơi nước, mưa vẫn níu kéo trên bậu cửa sổ. Chắc là mùa thu đến thật rồi.
Thắp một ngọn nến, co ro dưới lớp quần áo được treo ngay ngắn, bật nhạc thật to. Nến lung linh mờ ảo, thứ ánh sáng léo lắt đấy khiến người đang vui mấy cũng chợt lặng người, thở dài và lục lọi nỗi buồn. Những nỗi buồn có tên mà không dám gọi, có với tới mà không dám chạm vào, sợ đánh mất nỗi buồn cho dằn vặt. Những nỗi sợ có thể gọi tên.
Ngày qua ngày, lặng lẽ trôi, khẽ khàng như ai đang dạo bước. Từng nhịp chậm rãi, đôi lúc lại dừng chân mệt mỏi, và lại chậm rãi đi. Nếu như con người cảm thấy cuộc sống của mình thật tẻ nhạt và lê thê, có lẽ phải nhìn lại chính mình. Bắt đầu cuộc khám phá về bản thân, đi tìm sở thích, tạo ra vô số những bận bịu để không còn thời gian thở dài.

Đi tìm niềm đam mê...

Tôi thiết kế một khu vườn yên tĩnh. Có cỏ cây, hoa lá, có dòng suối nhỏ chảy quanh và cả tiếng chim hót. Có ánh nắng, có ánh trăng, có lấp ló chú chim sâu nhỏ mải mê hót. Khu vườn của tôi được bao quanh bằng 4 tấm kính, bí bức, ngột ngạt, nóng nực và tất cả đều là giả tạo. Chiếc máy bơm nước được giấu dưới tảng đá bằng nhựa, những chiếc đèn mắt trâu làm ánh nắng mặt trời. Chú chim sâu không thể hót, và cỏ cây hoa lá sẽ chẳng bao giờ già. Có lẽ cái Zen của chính tôi cũng nhân tạo như vậy, nó không có thật, nó khiến con người ta cảm thấy yên bình khi nhìn vào, nhưng nó không có thật. Hãy ngồi đây, uống trà đạo, bàn bạc chuyện đời, bên cạnh 4 cây đèn được chọn lựa kĩ càng với cái giá có thể mua được hàng trăm ngọn đèn bình thường. Cuộc sống vật chất khiến cho khoảng yên bình trong tâm hồn cũng trở nên vật chất. Người ta có đủ tiền để mua một khoảng yên bình vật chất.

Cái đích của niềm đam mê của tôi là bán cho con người khoảng yên bình vật chất.

Và vẫn cứ đam mê cho đến khi không còn ai nghĩ rằng có tiền là mua được tất cả.